I was at the lowest point in my life when I met Kisma.
Fresh out of an 8-year, horribly co-dependent relationship. Too broken myself to be anything more than another weight to carry. I’d just quit my stable job to chase dreams of teaching yoga and making music. Money was disappearing faster than my motivation—not that I had much to begin with.
Preaching health and creativity— while quietly self-medicating with weed and alcohol, spending weeks on the couch doing the bare minimum to survive. A complete hypocrite. I hated myself.
But I hid it pretty well.
When Love Knocked, Fear Answered the Door
Kisma had just opened a new yoga studio that I was teaching at. Honestly, I'm not sure how it became apparent that we were interested in one another. Knowing me, she was giving signs that I was completely oblivious to—until I wasn't.
And then the fear set in.
I had no business getting into a relationship. I was damaged goods, hopelessly stuck in my own self-loathing. Or so the voice in my head would have me believe. Along with other fan favorites, like...
"You're no good for anybody. You can't even deal with yourself."
"You're a total joke—just look at how you're living your life."
"Coward. You can't follow through on ANYTHING."
"There's not a creative bone in your body. A total imposter."
These are the tame ones. That voice was brutal. Unrelenting. And even though I didn't realize it at the time, entirely fueled by fear.
Fear Disguised as Protection
I was protecting myself from another devastating breakup. Protecting my fragile ego from more failure. And I told myself I was protecting others from my mess (how benevolent).
In a moment of clarity, I confessed all of this to her. Probably hoping I'd sabotage it before we ever gave it a chance.
And for reasons that remain unclear to this day, she didn't flinch.
She just sat there quietly with me and my fear. And we made plans to go out. Catch a concert and see some of our friends perform with the Detroit Symphony.
Everything Good Came From That Choice
There was no breakthrough moment. The epiphany didn't come until years later.
We just took it one day at a time, despite my fear screaming at me to crawl back to my weed-infused couch, and forget about it all.
Thank god I didn't listen.
Because everything good in my life came from that choice to allow some love in my life, despite the fear.
My business wouldn't exist—not as it is today for sure. The work we built together never would have happened. This blog post you're reading right now wouldn't exist.
It was a real sliding doors moment. And the funny thing about those moments is you never realize when you're in them!
I never would have moved to California, then Vegas. Never would have studied with spiritual teachers who changed my life immeasurably.
Most importantly, I never would have learned to be with myself—all of me, including the scared parts—without letting fear call the shots.
The Truth About Fear
Fear told me I'd drag her down with me. That I'd fail again and end up worse than before. That I should "protect" her from my chaos.
But really? I was just protecting myself from the possibility of love.
And if there is ONE thing that I learned about fear—something I rarely see people talk about anymore, it's this:
Fear doesn't need to be conquered. It just can't be put in charge.
When you try to destroy fear or suppress it, it just goes into hiding and pulls the puppet strings without you realizing it.
Your life stays small. Your comfort zone becomes your prison.
The real work isn't overcoming fear—it's learning to be with yourself while you're afraid, and staying true to that quiet voice inside, even when it's just an echo.
Still Afraid, But Not Stopped
And if I'm being really honest, I'm still afraid sometimes. Of failure, of not being enough, of all sorts of things.
But they won't be stopping me.
I hope they won't stop you either.
Writing about this makes me wonder…
What voice of "protection" is actually keeping you from the life you deserve?
Why not learn how to stop fighting yourself and start loving yourself in The Complete Self-Love System?
You have nothing to lose.
Stay curious,
Nick
The Mystic Next Door
P.S. That concert we went to? It was the first step toward everything beautiful in my life. That was almost 17 years ago. Sometimes love starts with just showing up.
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