After that trumpet disaster in high school, I spent years trying to eliminate fear from my life.
I read every book on confidence I could find. Practiced positive thinking. Tried to "fake it till I make it." Did breathing exercises. Visualization. You name it.
But here's what nobody tells you about trying to conquer fear:
The more you fight it, the stronger it gets.
Fear Goes Underground
When you try to destroy fear or suppress it, it doesn't disappear. It just goes into hiding and pulls the puppet strings without you realizing it.
Your life stays small. Your comfort zone becomes your prison.
You make "safe" choices that keep you from ever risking failure—or success.
You start avoiding anything that might trigger that uncomfortable feeling. Which means you start avoiding everything that might help you grow.
The Real Truth About Fear
After years of this exhausting battle, I discovered something that changed everything…
Fear isn’t a dragon to be slain. A part of you that needs to be destroyed.
Fear doesn't need to be conquered. It just can't be put in charge.
Think about it like this— Fear is like having a very anxious friend who genuinely cares about you but sees danger everywhere.
This friend means well. They want to keep you safe. But if you let them make all your decisions, you'll never leave the house.
The solution isn't to get rid of this friend. It's to thank them for their concern and then make your own choices anyway. Maybe even take them by the hand so they can come along, and let them lean on your courage.
What Fear Is Really Trying to Do
When I look back at my life, I can see that fear was often trying to tell me something important:
That day with the trumpet: My lip was injured. I wasn't ready. Fear was right.
When I met Kisma: I was broken and needed healing. But fear was wrong about me being unworthy of love.
Starting my business: I didn't know what I was doing. Fear was right about that too. But it was wrong about me not being capable of learning.
Sometimes fear protects you from real danger. Sometimes it protects you from imaginary danger.
The skill is learning to tell the difference.
How to Work WITH Fear Instead of Against It
Here's what I learned about making fear your ally instead of your enemy:
Listen to what it's trying to tell you. Instead of immediately pushing fear away, get curious. What is it warning you about? Sometimes the warning is valid.
Thank it for trying to protect you. Fear comes from a part of you that wants to keep you safe. Acknowledge that intention, even when the method isn't helpful.
Choose your response consciously. After you've listened, YOU get to decide what to do. Fear gets a voice, not a vote.
Take action anyway. Often the thing you're most afraid of is exactly what you need to do to grow. The fear doesn't have to disappear for you to move forward.
Learning to Be with Yourself While Afraid
The real work isn't overcoming fear—it's learning to be with yourself while you're afraid, and staying true to that quiet voice inside, even when it's just a whisper of an echo .
This is actually one of the foundations of self-love— Accepting ALL parts of yourself, including the scared parts, without letting any one part run the show. Because ALL of you is needed.
When you can love yourself even when you're afraid, you become truly free. Not free FROM fear, but free to choose your own path regardless of fear.
Still Afraid, Still Moving Forward
I'm still afraid sometimes. More often than I care to admit. Of failing the people I love. Of falling short of the potential that I can sometimes only feel inside me. Of losing the people and things are are home to me. Of a great many things, in fact.
But they won't be stopping me.
Because I've learned the difference between feeling fear and being ruled by fear.
What would you do if fear was only a counsellor instead of lord and ruler?
Learn how to make peace with every part of yourself in The Complete Self-Love System.
Stay curious,
Nick
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